This post is probably not going where you think it is. It has nothing to do with the difficulty of putting our 6 year down for bed (though sometimes that can be challenging). And it has nothing to do with having a hungry baby at the end of the day who is fussy and needs to nurse but I have no energy left in me (though that is sometimes the case).
No.
This post is all about what it’s like putting my infant down to sleep and every.single.night fearing that she’s going to pass away while she sleeps.
It is a deep-seated fear that I’ve had since Haven was a newborn…and, well, she’s about to turn one, and I still can’t climb out of this pit of fear that is trying to engulf me.
This fear rears its ugly head every night when I lay Haven down in her crib. At bedtime I always tell her, “I love you so much, baby. Mommy loves you so much.”
And while that statement is incredibly true, I started telling her that exact phrase in those last moments before going off to sleep for one main purpose: if she were to pass in her sleep I wanted my voice telling her how much I loved her to be the last thing that she heard. And because I wasn’t sure in the early days that she even knew who I was, I always made sure I said “mommy” so that she knew it was me talking to her.
Gosh. It sounds so dark typing that out, but in all honesty, I literally think about it and say that specific phrase every night. And even though she is almost a toddler, I still check to make sure she is breathing before I walk out of the room.
The Deepest Fear
I had feared SIDS even while she was still safe in my womb. But it wasn’t until after nearly losing her to meningitis that the anxiety began to overwhelm me.
I remember one especially hard evening. Haven was only a few months old, and she was still sleeping in a bassinet next to our bed at the time. I laid Haven down for bed, and I walked out of our bedroom to watch a movie with my husband. After the movie was over the sudden fear of Haven dying gripped my heart and squeezed so tightly I nearly had a panic attack as my heart rate climbed and my breath quickened.
My husband went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I just lay in bed, eyes wide open, my heart pounding hard in my chest. I prayed over and over again, “Lord, please don’t let her die. Please don’t let her stop breathing. Please, please, please.” I anxiously kept looking at Haven, checking for the rise and fall of her chest and listening for her breathing.
I was petrified to go to sleep. What if she died while I slept? I rehearsed the scene in my head of what it would look like and feel like to wake up to her lifeless body. It makes my heart tighten up now just thinking about it and how I felt that night.
The Deepest Hope
It was some days later that a dear friend of mine texted me this Bible verse that had helped her get through her postpartum anxiety:
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
Isaiah 26:3
Oh yeah, that verse. You know, that verse that I’ve clung to in the past but somehow forgot in my moment of deep anxiety…yeah, that one. The moment I read that verse, my soul settled and breathed in a deep breath of peace. You know the feeling. That feeling of intense peace that rushes through you and immediately calms all of your fears.
In all my anxiety that evening, I was shutting out the Holy Spirit. I was so focused on my near debilitating fear instead of focusing on my God and his promise that no matter what happens, he will always be with me, comfort me, and help me. Sure I was begging God to let her live, but I wasn’t keeping my mind steadfast on the Lord. I wasn’t trusting him with her life.
Do you know what that word “steadfast” means? I’m kind of a grammar nut and love words so I looked it up. Read how Merriam-Webster defines it:
steadfast
adjective
stead·fast | \ ˈsted-ˌfast also -fəst
Definition of steadfast
1 a: firmly fixed in place : IMMOVABLEb: not subject to change // the steadfast doctrine of original sin— Ellen Glasgow
2: firm in belief, determination, or adherence : LOYAL // her followers have remained steadfast
Immovable.
Not subject to change.
Firm in belief.
In moments of fear and anxiety am I immovable? Is my faith in God unchanging despite my racing thoughts or circumstances? What about my belief in his promises? Am I firm in my beliefs?
What about you? Are you immovable, unchanging, and firm when anxiety or fear strikes?
Climbing out of the Anxiety Pit
Of course, here I am, many months later, and I still have anxiety and fear and doubt every night at bedtime. I still worry that the last time I get to hold her alive is then in that moment. So I hold on a little longer and let the moment linger so I can cherish those seconds in case they’re my last.
Should I be cherishing those moments? Yes, absolutely. Should I be fearful and anxious though? No. I do think that the fear of losing a baby is stronger if you’ve experienced the loss of a child-whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, or the loss of an older child. But I also know friends of mine who have never lost a baby who have still wrestled with this fear.
My hope is that tonight when I lay my little one down, after I soak up those sweet bedtime moments with her, the Lord would help me by his grace to trust him and to remain steadfast on him.
If you struggle with anxiety or fear–maybe over losing a child, maybe over something completely different, I pray that you would take heart Peter’s words in 1 Peter 5:7:
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
And if God cares for us, we have nothing to fear.
Pressing on in faith,
Jennifer
Vulnerable and precious unto me and our Lord.
Love you, my friend! You are precious to me and our Lord, too, Jerrie!
I used to have very vivid dreams about the kids dying… even their funerals! I talked to someone about it because I was scared I was going crazy and they reassured me how normal it is for mom’s to be afraid and how that fear manifests itself differently in people. God bless your bravery to discuss the dark side of mothering. God speed!
Oh Jessica, that is so scary!!! Thank you for sharing from your own experience!