Gosh, I can’t believe I’m about to admit this but here it goes…
A couple of months ago, my husband pointed out how I had been responding harshly to my son. Even small things that B said or did were met with irritability and anger.
I got so upset when he confronted me about it that I went to my room, my eyes full of tears. I had been trying SO hard to stay calm and respond to B in gentler ways. But here he was telling me that all of my efforts the past several months weren’t working.
(Brief back story: Our son was placed in our home through foster care at the age of 3. We adopted him several months later. He’s now almost 7.)
I was so angry. I felt like the worst mom in the world and started heaping shame upon shame on myself telling myself that I shouldn’t be his mom because I’m terrible at parenting.
After a few minutes of this emotional storm, I heard the still small voice of God. He intersected that moment and I felt like he whispered to me, “But WHY do you think you’ve been responding to him that way?”
Honestly I didn’t know. I had been praying and asking God for help in how to respond to my son in loving, gentle ways for not just months but for YEARS.
I sat in the quiet of my bedroom and reflected on multiple interactions I had lately with B. After searching my heart, I realized what the issue was.
The problem wasn’t my son’s behaviors. The problem was my heart towards him.
I was resentful that he was so needy.
I was tired of always trying to meet his needs.
I was frustrated that I didn’t know how to help him.
I was angry at his lack of progress despite trying all the trauma-informed strategies that we knew.
Search My Heart
In that moment, after admitting all of that, an overwhelming peace flooded me. God prompted me to start praying Psalm 139:23-24 regularly,“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Much to the grace and praise of God, I’m very happy to say that reflecting on the feelings behind my responses and giving all of the yuckiness to God, the way I responded to my son changed almost instantly.
I’ve had more patience, more grace, more love. I’ve started regularly reflecting on how I feel in those moments of frustration with him and try to discern what is causing me to want to react harshly. Maybe I’m just tired? Maybe I just want to give up out of frustration?
Whatever the underlying feelings, I now know better what to specifically ask of God to help me be loving and kind in those difficult moments.
I am most definitely NOT perfect at this. In fact, just last night I blew it. I reacted with anger and frustration towards B when he was being defiant.
But praise be to God that overall my tone and responses have softened. I’ve been kinder and gentler and more patient. And for that, I’m incredibly grateful.
I am so very thankful that God hasn’t given up on me yet especially with how poorly I respond to him and to others sometimes. And I’m so thankful that his grace is sufficient to forgive me when I do mess up.
Because, let’s face it, you and I will never have it all figured out. We will mess up from time to time (errr, daily and hourly). Our kids aren’t the only ones who need grace!
Whether you’re a parent, a teacher, a coach, a Sunday school teacher, or any other role where you interact with children, I hope that this post encourages you when you are struggling to best care for the children entrusted to you. I know I need all the encouragement and reminders that I can get. 🙂
Pressing on in faith, Jennifer