Our little toddler, Haven, turned 17 months old on February 15th.
She’s silly, loves playing with her dolls, and is saying new words all the time. She loves to laugh and dance. She gives me lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles!
She loves being around other kiddos, and she has a fierce love for her older brother. She wants to copy everything that he does and be just like her Bubba.
She loves exploring, being social, and eating…and, boy, does she like to eat!
I absolutely love her age right now! I wish she could just stay 17 months old for the next couple of years. As far as I’m concerned there’s no need to go through the terrible twos or the threenager years! We can just skip those, right?
The Milestone Month
But like so much of my grief journey since losing our first daughter, these past few weeks have been a weird mix of joy and sadness and of excitement and anxiety.
You see, our daughter Hannah Grace, whom we lost at 1 day old in April 2017, would have been 17 months old the day that Haven was born.
She would have been this very age that I adore so much.
And I can’t help but imagine what Hannah would have been like at 17 months old and what life would be like now with her about to turn 3.
When you lose a child, you’re left wondering what could have been. What should have been.
Would Hannah have been in love with her newborn baby sister, wanting to help feed her bottles and giving her lots of kisses?
Would her hair have been as long, curly, and light as Haven’s is?
Would Hannah and Haven be best buds now, playing and dancing together?
Would they gang up on their older brother and tackle him together?
What words would Hannah be saying? What would her favorite foods be? Favorite books? Favorite toys?
What kinds of clothes would she like to wear and what kinds of things would she like to do?
Would she be social like her older brother, sister, and momma, or would she be quiet like her daddy?
I can’t fully explain it, but this 17 month mark in Haven’s life was a huge milestone for me in my grief journey. I felt deep-seated sadness and anxiety for a few months leading up to her turning 17 months. But as I’ve been reflecting and trying to process all of my feelings, though, God has met me with his peace that transcends all understanding, and for that I am incredibly grateful.
A Word of Hope
If you’re a loss mom or a loss dad, and you’ve had similar feelings whether you have subsequent living children or not, please know that all of the feelings of grief that you’re experiencing are normal. Allow yourself to feel the grief. Don’t shove it down and try to ignore it. Let the grief wash over you like the rising waves of the ocean at high tide.
But while you let the waves of grief roll through your soul, plant your feet firmly in God’s love for you and the truth that, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
He is near to you when you’re grieving. His thoughts of you outnumber the grains of sand on the shore, and his love for you is deeper than the ocean waters.
Allow yourself to wonder what it would be like to have your child still here with you and grieve the could-have-been’s. But if you feel yourself getting stuck in your grief and you’re slipping into a deep depression or overwhelming anxiety, call on the Lord, and seek his guidance.
Maybe you need to talk with a counselor or he sends a particular friend to minister to you. He has no shortage of ways to care for us and help us through the most painful parts of our grieving.
Maybe you haven’t suffered the tragic loss of a child, but you know someone who has? I hope this post helps you as you try to minister to a family member or a loved one. I hope that you take to heart the call in Romans 12:15 to “mourn with those who mourn.”
You have a beautiful opportunity to be a tangible reminder of God’s great love, hope, and peace for someone who is grieving. It’s impossible to fully understand what they are feeling and thinking, but do your best to listen to them and to love them well.
Maybe they are facing a milestone like the one I’m experiencing. Or maybe they just are going through a particularly difficult time and need some extra care. (Grief is truly unpredictable.) You may not know the reason they are hurting like they are, but be present. (I wrote a detailed, practical post recently about caring for a loved one who is grieving. You can check it out here.)
Whatever you have faced and are facing today, stay close to God, trust in him, and remember his great love for you. He will not leave you or abandon you. He is a good, loving Father who is always ready to rescue us when we call out to him.
Pressing on in faith, Jennifer