How to Help Parents After They Experience Loss

I was talking with a friend recently about how hard it is to know what to say after a mom or dad loses their baby. This topic is one I’ve talked about many times with friends over the years as they’ve tried to better understand how to support their loved ones experiencing the tragedy of loss.

I’ve written before about things I wish others knew about me as a loss mom (here) and ways that you can let a bereaved person know that you care even if it’s been years after his/her loss (here). But I’ve never written explicitly on specific ways you can care for parents after the loss of a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.

Before you read this list, I want to say a big “thank you” as a momma who has lost a baby. Thank you so much for caring enough to want to know practical ways to help your loved ones who are grieving the loss of their baby. I am so very grateful for your compassion.

My hope and prayer are that after reading this you will be able to better care for bereaved parents moving forward.

One final word: if you haven’t done these things to help or you’ve said something before that you realize after reading this post wasn’t actually helpful, please know that my heart in writing this is in no way meant to make you feel ashamed or embarrassed for things you’ve said or things you haven’t done to help. Until losing my daughter, I didn’t know most of these things either which is why I’m sharing them with you today.

The Ministry of Presence

I cannot stress this one enough. For your loved one to know you are there for them is such a gift to their grieving hearts. The absolute WORST thing you can do in the immediate days and weeks after someone experiences loss is not reach out to them. Text them, call them, offer to come over and sit with them, attend the funeral or memorial service. Your presence matters so much, especially in those first days and weeks when their world has been turned upside down and they don’t know which way is up anymore.

Say something, but be careful with your words

Not knowing what to say is probably the biggest reason people don’t reach out after loss. You’re afraid of saying the wrong thing so you say nothing. Prior to my baby girl’s diagnosis, I didn’t know what to say to bereaved parents either. I learned, though, that if you don’t know what else to say, just saying, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the devastation you are experiencing. I’m praying for you” is enough. If you want, you can also say something like, “If you want to talk, I’m here to listen.”

Avoid saying unhelpful cliches or platitudes that could actually cause more harm than help. Be careful to not say something that, while it may be true, is not the most helpful in the moment. 

For instance, telling them, “Everything happens for a reason” can make it seem like you are brushing over the grief they are feeling by trying to spin their loss into something positive. While it’s true the Lord uses all things for his purposes and glory, in moments of deep anguish and despair, hearing certain phrases like that is not helpful and may even cause more hurt.

Text, text, text

Even if you don’t hear back, don’t shy away from texting (or calling) your loved one if you’re thinking about them and/or praying for them. They may not text back, but that’s okay. Going back to the ministry of presence, it is so comforting to know that you are there if and when they want to talk. And if they don’t want to talk, at least they know you care.

Offer specific ways you can help

After loss, your mind and heart feel like they are spinning around and around as the shock takes over. And even once the shock wears off, you’re trying to pick up the pieces of your broken heart.

It is wonderful to ask, “What can I do to help you?” But a lot of times, parents can’t think clearly enough to give you an answer so they won’t respond or they’ll just say, “I’m not sure, but I’ll let you know.”

Always offer to bring a meal if you live close enough. Everyone needs to eat, but cooking can be overwhelming after a loss. You can tell them, “I would love to bring you a meal. Would you prefer this Tuesday or Thursday?” 

If you don’t live close enough to bring over a meal, send them a giftcard to a restaurant or a food delivery service like DoorDash or Grubhub.

If they have living children, offer to take them for a few hours so mom and dad can rest, work on funeral services, or just have some quiet time alone. It also gives their living children a break from the chaos of their world as they are trying to process not only the grief they are feeling but also their parents’ grief.

For a mom who has lost a baby late in pregnancy or after delivery, her milk may come in a few days after delivery or if she lost her infant who she had been nursing, her milk will need to dry up. It’s one of those things I hadn’t given much thought about until my milk came in and I had very painful engorgement for those first several days after Hannah’s birth. It’s a physically and emotionally painful process to not get to nurse your baby with the milk your body is producing. To help ease my physical pain while trying to dry up my milk, my friend ran to the store and brought me cabbage leaves. It was helpful, practical, and so very comforting.

You can also offer to go grocery shopping, run other errands, mow the yard, do their laundry, or drop off/pick up their living child(ren) from school. Be creative! If they don’t need help, they’ll tell you. But remember, even if they do need help, they won’t necessarily tell you.

If they have a lot of loved ones who are offering to help them, they may initially turn down your offer. Schedule a reminder on your phone to go off in two weeks and check back in with them. So often, after the hustle of those first few days after loss calms down, parents lose a lot of that initial support and feel lonelier than ever as the rest of the world seems to move on without them.

Send a card, flowers, or a care package

Bring by or mail a card or have flowers delivered.

One of my sweet friends sent me a Hope Mommy Hope Box (you can find out more here). (This is not an affiliate link; I’m just sharing because it brought comfort and hope to my grieving heart.)

Recently, a beautiful friend of mine started making her own care packages that you can buy and have shipped for free directly to a grieving momma. You can find out more about the heart behind her care packages and a detailed list of what’s included here and purchase one here. (These are not affiliate links–I’m just sharing because I love these so much.)

When I told her I wanted to talk about her care packages in my blog post today, she graciously sent me a promo code if you would like to send a care package to a loved one (enter CAREPKG10 during checkout).

Give donations

Our people showed up in HUGE ways to give money towards helping my husband and I pay for medical bills, Hannah’s burial costs, and her memorial stone. My sister set up a GoFundMe for us, and we were blown away by all of the support. We originally were not going to be able to afford to buy her a stone so I can’t tell you how much it meant to us for others to give us enough money to purchase one. Even if you can give just $10 or $20, any amount helps.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

I hope that these ideas of how to love on loss moms and dads have been helpful. If you are a loss mom or dad and there was something else that helped you during those first few days and weeks after losing your baby, please comment below. I would love to know what helped you.

Thank you, again, for reading. I am so very grateful for how you want to love and care for mommies and daddies who have walked through such heartbreaking tragedy.

Pressing on in faith,
Jennifer