For many of us, this Christmas season will be harder than ever. Perhaps you lost a parent or a child or another loved one this year (to Covid or to another cause). Or perhaps you were laid off recently. Or you just received a scary diagnosis.
Or maybe it’s the fact that because of Covid you can’t see your loved ones like you usually do. Loneliness and depression have become unwelcome companions of yours and you long to see family and friends again.
So how do we navigate the holidays while grieving? How do we hold both the joyfulness of the Advent season and the grief of a difficult year in our hearts at the same time?
My First Christmas Without My Daughter
In December 2017 I wrote one of my very first blog posts. It was Christmas Day, and I was processing all of the emotions I was feeling–joy, yes, but also deep sadness and sorrow. It was my first Christmas since losing my daughter Hannah, and I had been grieving for a few weeks leading up to Christmas Day.
Of course, every Christmas and holiday since then has been a mix of emotions because grief is a lifelong process. It comes in waves throughout the year, not just on holidays.
As I was thinking about what to share in my post today, that blog post from Christmas Day 2017 came to mind. The four points below are points that I made in that blog post, and they are still things that I prioritize on holidays and on just plain hard days, three years later.
Please note that while in the points below I specifically address the loss of a loved one, I think these ideas are applicable no matter what grief you are navigating this season.
How to Survive this Holiday Season
1. Be Real with Yourself
Christmas songs, TV ads, and stores are filled with sentiments of being joyful and merry at Christmastime. It’s as if everything screams that you should be happy, but it’s okay if you’re not! The faster you are real with yourself about how you’re really feeling, the faster you can process the waves of grief as they start rolling in.
I know from experience that stuffing down my grief and pretending like I’m not hurting never works. When I’m okay with not being okay, I allow myself to express how I’m really feeling–sad, angry, confused, upset, and any and every other raw emotion.
2. Be Real With Others
This is where I mess up all the time. Telling others how you’re feeling is huge. I’m not saying you have to express every single thing that’s on your mind (though you can if you need to), but letting family and friends know that you’re struggling is helpful to both you and them.
That first Christmas without Hannah I didn’t tell my husband how much I was struggling until almost 11 o’clock that morning. And when it finally came out that I was trying to hide my sad heart from him and put on a happy smile (which I wasn’t doing a good job of), it not only helped me to tell him but it helped him, too. He fully empathized with how I was feeling, and then he asked what he could do to help me process through my grief that day.
When we are real with others about how we’re feeling, it gives them the opportunity to help us. There may not be a lot they can do (other than giving us space), but just them knowing hopefully reminds them to be gentle and grace-filled towards you.
3. Carve Out Quiet Space
Sometimes we need quiet space just to be able to process through how we’re feeling so we can be 100% honest with ourselves. Maybe we need quiet space to be able to look through pictures of our loved one or remember special memories of him/her. Or perhaps we need to take a moment away from the hustle and bustle of the day to be able to sit, be still, breathe, read Scripture, write, and/or pray.
Carving out quiet time in your day on a daily basis is a hugely beneficial discipline, butut it’s easy to not make that time on a busy holiday like Christmas. Do it, especially if you’re grieving. Getting away from the crazy is hard, but covering up your pain and hiding it from yourself and others because you haven’t had time to process it is much harder.
4. Above All, Remember the Lord
I know that approaching a holiday while grieving is hard. But I’m so grateful that there is a God who loved us so much that he sent his one and only Son to this earth as our Rescuer and our Redeemer. He knows the pain of losing his Son as he watched him die on the cross some 30 years later. He knows the pain of our loss. He’s not some distant God who doesn’t care about our grief. He is loving and good.
So this Christmas Day, while our hearts are breaking inside, our souls can rejoice in our God, the One who sent our Rescuer, our Savior. The One who knows our pain and moves closer to us while we are in the midst of it.
I’m still navigating how to rejoice while grieving, but I’m so thankful I have a God who does not abandon me. He moves in closer to me in my pain. He’s not only walking alongside me, but he is inside me, sustaining me and strengthening me.
It’s not about forgetting our pain. Rather it’s about remembering the Lord in our painful moments and clinging to him. Being real with ourselves, being real with others, and finding quiet space can help us navigate this Christmas season. Ultimately, though, I know I would be a mess if I didn’t remember the Lord and turn to him in dependence and rejoice in his everlasting love and presence.
That is how I can survive while grieving this Christmas.
There are many other ideas I could give on how to survive this season, but for me, these four things have been the tried and true ways to get through each holiday and each hard day. If you’re grieving this holiday season, I hope that these ideas help you as well.
If you would like for me to specifically pray for you during this season, please comment below. I would love to lift you up in prayer.
Pressing on in faith,
Jennifer