A couple of weeks ago, as I perused Valentine’s candy at my local grocery store and tried to decide which bag of chocolate to buy, the whole world came to a halt when I saw a small display of Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.
Why is Easter candy out now? It’s not even Valentine’s Day, I thought to myself.
I wasn’t mentally and emotionally prepared to face one of my biggest grief triggers. And I was filled with grief right there in the middle of the store.
One of My Biggest Grief Triggers
Ever since I was pregnant with my first daughter, Hannah (she passed away from anencephaly), Easter candy and Easter-themed decorations have been a big grief trigger for me. You see, Hannah’s birthday is April 10th, and the year she was born (2017), her due date (April 15th) was the day before Easter.
I can still remember being at the grocery store the Friday they had Easter candy and decorations out for the first time. I was 8 months pregnant, and seeing all the Easter stuff crushed me.
I knew that since it was Easter season that meant we were getting close to her due date–and getting close to her due date meant we were getting close to having to say both “hello” and “goodbye” to our sweet baby girl.
So a few weeks ago when I saw the Easter candy already on display, I grieved. And what made it even harder was that I wasn’t ready to see it. I had not prepared my heart.
Seeing it there, mixed right along with the Valentine’s candy, literally stopped me in my tracks. Suddenly I couldn’t hear anything or see anything but that candy. My mind got swallowed up by grief.
The Waves of Grief
I learned quickly after Hannah was born and passed away that the grieving process is not a straight line with a starting point and an ending point. You don’t move from point A to point B to point C in a fluid motion.
It’s more like waves in the sea. And when huge grief waves crash into you, you try to do all you can to keep your feet planted in the sand so you don’t drown in your grief. Each time a wave hits you, your heart breaks into tiny pieces.
Triggers for grief can come anytime and anywhere. Sometimes we expect them–for instance, I know that attending a baby shower is a trigger for me.
But other times, we do not expect them, like the Easter candy that was put on the shelves early. If we’re not expecting them then we can’t try to emotionally prepare for them. It’s like standing out in the ocean with your eyes closed–if you don’t see the wave, you can’t brace for it, and you’re more likely to get knocked down by it.
Ever since that day at the store a few weeks ago, I have avoided even quickly glancing at any Easter candy or decorations when I’m out grocery shopping. It’s too painful right now.
How to Navigate Grief Triggers
Whether you’ve lost a child or another loved one, the reality is that over time we have to learn how to cope with our grief so that it doesn’t destroy us.
However, that doesn’t mean that we should disregard the grief triggers when they happen and try to act like they didn’t hurt us. For the rest of our lives, we will likely have people, places, things (including things like smells and sounds), special occasions, and events that trigger our grief.
Disregarding our grief and trying to bury it in the crevices of our hearts is worse in the long-run than seeking the Lord for comfort and healing when those grief waves crash into us.
I wish I could say that in that moment at the store I turned to the Lord and sought him to help me stand back up again after getting knocked down.
But I didn’t. Honestly, this is the first time I’m really processing how that moment felt. It’s not because I felt like trying to move on was the best way to handle it. It’s more that I didn’t intentionally give myself the time or the space to process it.
Encouragement for the Grieving Heart
If you’re grieving today, friend, don’t wait another second to turn to the Lord and open your heart to him. Don’t let days or weeks or months go by as you bury your grief and try to ignore it. The Lord wants to help you as you grieve.
We need his healing as we try to put the pieces of our heart back together.
We need his listening ear as we spill out our heartache–the sorrow, the anger, or anything else we are feeling.
We need his lovingkindness to comfort us.
We need his strength to carry us.
One of my favorite Bible verses that I come back to again and again is Psalm 34:18. It reminds me that God is near to us when we are brokenhearted. He doesn’t abandon us and turn the other way. He moves towards us and desires to help us.
Look to him in those moments when a grief wave crashes against you. He loves you and will help you.
Pressing on in faith,
Jennifer
PS I want to be sure to say that in addition to seeking the Lord as you navigate your grief, I highly encourage finding professional counselors who can help you as well as finding a community of people who you can relate to.
I met with a therapist many times after I lost my daughter, and I’m a part of a few infant loss groups on Facebook. Professional help and being in a community are so helpful in working through our grief, and I do believe they are gifts that the Lord gives us to help us.