“Lord, we don’t understand this, but we just ask that in some way you would be glorified through our baby’s life.”
I didn’t have words to say, but the Lord gave Mace these words to pray after the doctor told us our daughter Hannah Grace who I was 11 weeks pregnant with was incompatible with life. (If you missed the first post in this series that described Hannah’s diagnosis, you can see it here.)
The next 28 weeks were a roller coaster of emotions. Living every day knowing that our baby could pass away that day or in the near future required us to depend on the Lord in a way we never had before. I grieved daily, but at the same time I celebrated each kick, movement, and hiccup as if it were our baby’s last. We celebrated each step along the way as she hit each new month. We knew we wouldn’t get to celebrate birthdays with her so some months we even celebrated with balloons and cake! 6 months went by, then 7 months, 8 months…
As we drew nearer to her induction date, I wished that we had more time. Most women when they get to their last trimester count down the days until their baby’s birth. They can’t wait to finally get through their pregnancy and start the next adventure with their newborn. For us, though, we knew that each day that passed meant we had less time with our baby girl so we cherished each moment.
The day eventually arrived, and I gave birth to our daughter, Hannah Grace, on April 10, 2017. She was beautiful. She had dirty blonde hair, and despite only being 5lbs, 8oz, she was quite the chunky monkey!
By God’s grace, he had gifted us with carrying Hannah full-term. She was born awake, and we had 31 hours and 22 minutes with our little Bunny before she met Jesus face-to-face on April 11th. Her nickname is “Bunny” because her due date, April 15th, was right before Easter Sunday that year.
We loved our time with our Bunny and are forever grateful for each minute we had with her. We soaked up each minute and made the most of our time. However, at about 8:30 at night on the 11th, we knew that her time to pass from our arms into Jesus’ arms was coming soon. We called a nurse into our hospital room at 8:45 so she could monitor Hannah’s pulse. By 9:45, she was only taking one breath per minute so each time she drew a breath we thought it would be her last. We had not been angry at God this whole journey, but now we were. Why wouldn’t he just take our baby girl? She was suffering, and she was ready. We were ready.
A Verse of Hope
In that tear-drenched time, God brought a Scripture to Mace’s mind, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
This verse gifted Mace with comfort and hope during an extremely hard time. It helped ease his heart that even in that tragic moment, God was doing something eternal. A few days after Hannah passed, Mace shared with me how that Scripture came to mind in those last moments of Hannah’s life, and it was like soothing balm on my weary heart as well.
Did you catch one of the words in that verse? The word “glory”—he same word that Mace prayed several months earlier right after Hannah was diagnosed—was put on his heart again in those excruciatingly painful moments.
Of all the things that Hannah’s precious life and death have taught me, the idea that no matter how long she lived inside or outside of the womb she was made by God to bring Him glory—has been the thing that has brought me the most comfort, joy, and hope through my grief journey.
From the time that she was conceived to the day of her diagnosis, through my pregnancy, her delivery, her passing, and now, in this life-long grief journey, Hannah, no matter how small, was created for a purpose which was ultimately to glorify God.
Hannah’s Legacy
We won’t know fully the legacy that our Hannah has left until one day in Heaven. But what I do know is that Hannah accomplished so much in her short life. I’ll finish this post by having a little mommy brag time! Here are a few of the ways the Lord used her, but I know there are many that I don’t even know of and I know there will be many more in the years to come:
- Throughout my pregnancy with her and after her birth and death, Mace and I grew closer to the Lord than we had ever been before. Not only that, but our marriage grew stronger as we learned how to grieve together and support one another as we grieved.
- Hannah strengthened the faith of our loved ones as they prayed for us and her. After she was born, she lived for over a day, and she nursed, drank from a bottle, cooed, growled, held our fingers, and at the very end of her life she opened both eyes for mommy and daddy. We all got to witness God’s power and goodness at work in her!!!
- Hannah made a lasting impact on our medical care team, including my OB and our palliative care team that supported us before, during, and after delivery.
- Hannah was an organ donor. She donated her lungs, kidneys, liver, and pancreas to research. Her lungs went towards a project called Lung Map to research the development of the immune system throughout fetal and early childhood development. Her kidneys are being used to test therapies to prevent chronic kidney disease. Her liver is being used to test the toxicity of certain environmental chemicals and technologies to evaluate liver toxicity. Her pancreas is being used to help discover a cure for type 1 diabetes.
- Hannah donated her cord blood to go towards researching the causes of anencephaly.
- While I was pregnant with her, I collected dresses for a local nonprofit to create angel gowns using the dresses. I collected 45 dresses all given in honor of Hannah. These dresses were used to make beautiful baby burial gowns to give to families who have lost a baby.
- As part of two pro-life bill hearings, I got to share Hannah’s story to committees in the Texas Senate and House. While the bill did not pass, I’m grateful for the opportunity to share her life with others and show that even babies who have been deemed incompatible with life still have value and purpose.
Next week, please join me for a new post for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It will be a post that I hope and pray will bring much encouragement and hope to those who have lost a baby.
Pressing on in faith,
Jennifer
